-there i go again-

date taken : july 2009
location : gorbia

Here I am, back from a short trip, getting a little sunburnt...there is this torn inside, continuing to poke, taunt me, hurting, little by little....what am i doing here? I wish i could be more ignorant, to be able to just look past the acts of people around me....but what is worse is my weakness to stand up for myself....hurting myself even more, because i allowed myself to be stomped over again and again....

Friends, family and loved ones.....all seemed so far now....and it feels like being in a new place, it is impossible to find even one who could love and share relentlessly....maybe it is too much to ask....too ideal to even imagine it.....I am tired, really tired of the sense of betrayal....really tired of the scent of fakeness...i just want to go home, to where people who knew me all my life, will still care for me, for who i am.....and not for what they can get from me...

Please teach me, how i can stop being this fool....this fool who smiles and laughes even though she is dying inside....this fool who accepts deals that she knows is not to her best benefits....this fool who continues to treat others with decency, even though she feels like ripping their hearts.....what is happening to me?