-it's gonna be ok-

date taken : march 2009

it's gonna be ok....
i've got myself...
it's not gonna go down without a fight...

how to stay in focus

at times like this, sometimes i just burst out laughing, sometimes into tears...
no longer able to comprehend....but i understand that i am in a state of insanity...
i guess when i can say that...i am pretty much still on the safe side, right?
all of us are insane in one way or another....anyway..

i have a few days to rush through some stuff....
but mind is blocked...
rebelling and screaming...
is it true that when you lock someone up for a long time
they lose their minds?
what if i've kept myself a prisoner too long...
what happens then?

-the day that i die-

i had a very disturbing dream....i dreamt that i stood and looked at myself die...maybe its a premonition...or a metaphor to show how badly i am treating myself...

the scary part about all this is not watching myself die....it's about how calm and peaceful it felt, like life is just another step to a more meaningful purpose....

this sets me down to think.....what have i learnt in my life? how did i end up becoming so toxic? why do i feel the need to carry the burden of my past? is it because if i let go, i have nothing else to hang on to?

and then i began to wonder....am i losing parts of myself day by day...because maybe i do enjoy the sense of pain....because probably pain is better than feeling numb and dead....but how long can i go on like this? what if the pain eats and eats and soon there is nothing left?

i will close my eyes now and go back to sleep.....hoping that some answers will come.....

-if-

if only all these are part of a dream
i pray and pray that i wake up unhurt

if i have one thing to ask
i ask for salvation
for a renewed ability to love myself

if i can change one thing in the world
i will change my own existence
it's probably better,
for you,
for me...
that i disappear...

ever so sweet

from the Early November....a band i loved for a long long time.....this song is about finally admitting the end of a long beautiful journey together.....it's about hanging on to whatever we can make-believe....to refuse to see the real truth of a failing relationship....a song beautifully written....

I just found a friend in one of your lies
To treat me so nice, I can't believe my bones
When they say so many things
They tell me I am fine
Believe me I, I try

Ever so sweet you make this seem
The way things go
It's not my fault
And I'll miss, I'll miss you so good
All of those nights that we lost our way back home

Ever so sweet, you baked it in cakes for me
What you left behind
It hurts my teeth
Bringing the past with the postcards you sent for me
Every line
It brings me right back down

Can't you see the wall you build for me?
Can't you see the wall you build for me?
Can't you see the wall you build for me?
We're not special
We're not special
We're not special
I'm not special
I'm not special

Ever so sweet, you baked it in cakes for me
What you left behind
It hurts my teeth
Bringing the past with the postcards you sent for me
Every line
It brings me right back down

-what is love?

we've all heard about it,
everyone has something to say about it..
movies flaunt it's glory...
songs mourn it's absence...
but,
what is love,
really?

is it one of those things that happens to everyone,
or just a concept that everyone pretends to grasp,
so they do not feel left out?

i really wonder....
what is this magical element that could
make the strongest man weep
and the weakest soul grow bold....

do people really mean it
when they utter the words,
'i love you'
do they really feel the tingles....
as the movies tell us?

or again i wonder...
is it true that love is so selfless....
that it's worth dying for..
and it also means that
you can stand by with a plastered smile
watching as your loved one falls in love with another,
is love so great that
the knowledge of the other half being happy is enough,
when you cry in misery night after night?

is there such a thing
as the love of your life?
what happens when it slips away ?
is life no longer worth living?

endless questions....
from a non-believer...
or mainly just a coward
for i fear with my life,
i fear the hurt,
i fear the pain....
i fear the shut of the door
for the day
i can no longer feel whole again...

-memories-

date taken : august 2009
location : jewish memorial, berlin

-memories-

painful,
shameful...
or perhaps a blurred revelation of victory..
all depict who we were...
will it determine who we will be?
maybe yes, maybe no...
but one thing to be sure..
it can never be erased.

-little rhymes-

a sad song by Mercury Rev to get through tough times, a defense mechanism to continue long bitter journey....how true....a haunting song....an escape to a world of your own, one that you can forget the hurt and the pain......it's about how to reinvent yourself at times when the real you cannot pull through.....

Stairs to nowhere climb
I take them, all the time
Crawling on my knees
Walking that old fine line

And when I'm alone and scared
I think of little rhymes
They would make no sense to you
But I make them all the time

And time's all mine
And time's all mine

It's the little pills you find
Crushed to dust, rolling out of sight
They end up in the strangest places
But I take them all the time

And time's all mine
And time's all mine

When everyone is false
I tell them I'm just fine
I can't remember their names
But I fake them all the time

And time's all mine
And time's all mine
And time's all mine
And the time's all mine

And when I'm alone and scared
I think of little rhymes
They would make no sense to you
But I make them all the time

-what's within-

date taken : april 2009
model: Federica


what do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror...
do you like what you see?

waking up,
with the same uncertainties of yesterday...
the image looking back at you...
who exactly is that?

-the rain-

a phrase i've heard many times before....
and i couldn't agree more..

-i love walking in the rain, because noone knows i am crying-

-darkness-

date taken : sept 2009
model: Alessandra Fumagalli


darkness...
it always envelopes us..
can't run,
can't hide....

maybe, just maybe...
darkness will make sunrise sweeter...
all we can do,
is hope......

pretty pathetic

- a song i started my day with...not exactly very jolly....but a great song, with great lyrics......

You should have heard me sobbing
As I drove home that night
Got into bed and stayed there
For days I just laid there
Having been permanently changed
But we won't get into that now
Let's take it from the start

You should have seen me smiling
Like the world was mine
She used to call me baby
Softly, sometimes.
But if I dwell on those days too long
I feel like my life is over
And that's no good
So let's move on

To the part where I begin to sense
Her distance
I panic and hold on tighter
That makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When she says:
"This is something I'm going through,
It's got nothing to do with you"

I had a special evening all planned out
Desperately determined to reignite
Some spark between us
She had to feel something for me
A love as strong as ours
Doesn't just go away,
You can't just turn it off.
Unless she was lying all those times
But I don't think so,
I really don't think so.
The way she used to look at me
Made me a thousand feet high
The meaning of the word "cool"
Not the same geek
Who fumbled through his words that night
The ugliest night

I said some pretty awkward things
I got the feeling that she felt sorry for me
I should have seen it was hopeless and left it alone
But I had to go on embarrassing myself

I miss what we had, I need you so badly.
I miss what we had, I need you so badly.
I miss what we had, I need you so badly.
I miss what we had, I need you so badly.

I must have sounded pretty pathetic, I know
That's why I don't blame her for what she said
But listen to me rambling
We don't know each other that well
But you're so easy to talk to
I feel like I could tell you almost anything
I hope I haven't put you off
I have a tendency to do that
Why don't I just be quiet?

is time really a cure?

they say,
time heals all...

i say,
we heal when we realise
it is an endless battle...
life is like a butterfly,
we want to be in control,
we hold on too tight,
we crush our most precious dreams..
even if we were very careful,
we know,
it will whitter away and leave us....
so what's the point?

time,
doesn't heal
time makes us wiser...

-

when someone asks you 'how are you',
they didn't really want to know the answer...

-the vampire diaries-
(just something that's stuck in my head today)

-an empty room-

date taken : sept 2009


an empty room
abandoned...

an empty heart
broken and wasted..

today is the day
i'll smile and make it believable,
start fresh,
be someone new,
that's the only way to pull through...

-

date taken : august 2009

love means you are constantly apologising...
-weeds-

-the hardest part-

by coldplay...
(lyrics that could be so real...)


And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
It is sweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh and I...
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart, oh...

And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
That was the hardest part, oh... oh...

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Your silver lining the clouds
Oh and I...
Oh and I...
I wonder what it's all about

I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

-the joke of the day-

date taken : august 2009



i am the clown,
the joke of the day...
how is it possible
to be so blind...
the answer is obvious...
but just danced around it..
over and over and over again

like the puppy
waiting for the master's
hand in approval

like a clown
just like a clown
with the colorful face..
behind it all...
lies the saddest heart
the saddest eyes...

noone's to blame...
we are all responsible for who we are....

-the beginning of the end-

date taken : march 2009
location : sicily


the beginning of the end of the beginning...
forward...not easy, but i don't wanna live in the past anymore...

-time's up-

date taken : 2007
location : moma, ny

090909.....that's today......the day like any other days in these 2 weeks of self inflicted pain....the only difference is...i realised that we have to choose how we live our lives....and i have chosen to be miserable, unreasonable and a pain in the ass....

then i read this simple forwarded email, one that i have seen a million times before, one that i sneered at how cheesy it is....

Life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner....
Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the mean time, we're here and we can still dance....

well....i am still here....i have 2 choices....to sulk and trap myself in my own deceptions....or to take a turn that will hurt so much now, but in the end save my soul from further grieve....
i am still confused, who isn't....but i think i can get there.....alone, but alive.....broken, but at the same time new.....

i hope the show is over....so i can go home....

the glow of happiness

date taken : sept 2009
model : Alessandra Fumagalli

a simple smile
lights up the day

-i yearn to feel once again.....so i can finally feel alive -

circles

-running in circles....catching tails.....over and over and over again-

-the hero dies in this one-

bit and pieces of aa beautiful song....lyrics that makes me cry over and over again.....by the ATaris


Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.

I don't think I ever told you,
But I know you always did your best.
And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

Do you ever feel like crying?
Do you ever feel like giving up?
I raise my hands up towards the sky,
I say this prayer for you tonight,
Because nothing is impossible.


The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be, it's being content with who you are

-the drug-

one step forward, ten steps back....that's how i feel today....one moment i felt so strong i can take on the world...alone....and then just when i thought that i will get through all obstacles, another wave of pain hit me again and again....one time stronger than another....

a nonbeliever, but i had been praying daily...it's the only salvation....i don't know what else i can do to stop the pain....i am completely out of control....and i can't even pretend anymore like i used to....somehow i feel like an addict...addicted to inflict pain to myself....

the internet is amazing....i was so desperate that i googled some self help topics....and came upon this....(how pathetic this would normally seem to me....but i really have to learn to get on with my life...one way or another.....) - i am gonna paste it here...to remind myself each time tears threaten to fall...

- how to forget - how to do the right thing -

Cry out everything you have to cry about!
When we get hurt, it's normal (and good) to cry. Don't ever think you're being weak for crying and don't feel embarrassed because of it! It's normal and it's good! When you cry, you let go of part of your anger and hurt so you can feel less heavy. You can lock yourself in a room, if you want to, and put on some sad music...but let yourself feel the pain and cry so you can let it go. The main thing here is: Get rid of the pain! Just let it go!

Get busy! When you're trying to get something out of your head, you need to put other things inside of it. In other words...get busy! It doesn't matter how, you just need to get distracted. Go to a movie, watch a play, travel. It doesn't matter what are you going to do--the important thing is to find something to do. Find a hobby, find something you enjoy doing, something to keep your mind busy.

Avoid getting near what hurts the most! Try not to go to places you store memories. When you're trying to forget it gets hard to confront and be brave. If you can't avoid, just try not to torture yourself thinking irrelevantly. Just be gentle and keep busy all the time so you won't have excuses to let your shields down.

Accept the process! You can be really strong and it's still going to hurt. The process takes time and you have to accept that! You can't hope to forget in 2 days something you loved for years...and you can't pretend to be strong if you feel like crying. Just face your pain and accept that it's not easy and it's going to take some time. When you're patient with yourself and your situation, things tend to get easier...

-step by step i have to do all these.....to be honest with myself...and not allow anymore fantasies....i have to learn to love myself, how to, i dont know.....but i think i have to give myself a chance.......

for now, i can only pray....(maybe God has not forsaken me)...

-learning to fly-

before we learn to fly...
we have to learn how use our wings..
how to lift ourselves
no longer dependent on our own 2 feet.

i am trying,
step by step..
afraid of the fall,
afraid to leave the ground...
10 thousand reasons
saying i could flap my wings and fly high
but i needed only one to stay...
one that i know i will never find..

so why?
why the hesitation?
why hold on to something so desolate
why allow myself to be brought down to my knees?
because...
i am human, flesh and soul...

-strangers 01-

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin
by : me




randomness....a photo with a strange cut, but i really liked it...

-stolen-

why does every song seemed sadder than usual?
why does the sun seemed less cheerful?
why does my favourite food seemed tasteless?
how can tears come so easily?
why is it that the same sense of pain kept coming back even though i wanna ignore it so bad?
what happened to my life?

why does every word sting so bad?
every silence slices through me like a knife...

i felt that you have stolen my life
gave me hopes
taught me to chase my dreams
just to take it all away from me
replaced it with fear and bitterness
and now, i am just jaded, wounded...
stolen.

- i believe...again-

learning to let go...
first i guess we need baby steps...
i realised i used writing to help me heal...
and by stopping the words,
i succumbed to even a higher level of madness...
so here i am again..
this time,
more determined...

i will love myself
before i expect others to love me...
and one thing i have to know..
people makes mistakes,
over and over again
that's life....

i should give myself a chance,
i would no longer cry
for the absent hearts
for the dreams that i chased alone....
please let me have the strength
to pick myself up again
and hold my head up high....

-light and shadow-

date taken : august 2009
model : Alessandra