-unopened letters to you-

where should i keep,
these unopened letters
written to you....
little secrets whispered
only to you....

these unspoken words
will remain so,
for it is the best....
to bury these naive dreams...
too beautiful
for the real world
the world, we had tainted...
the world, we live in....

the sun will shine again

i have been really down,
now i am trying to figure out,
how much further i can sink...
they say....
when you hit rock bottom,
the only way to go is up....
to be honest,
the main catch is....
what if it's just a bottomless pit of darkness?
what next?

- for you - the one who has always been there for me-

i was never good with portraying the real me...
never was, still isn't...
but i want you to know,
i do appreciate all that you have done for me,
my life will never be the same if i have not met you....

the past is not just memories which we keep in an album,
and take a look at time to time...
the past is within us,
everyday....
and i am glad...
that i still have you as the greatest friend
anyone could ask for...
Happy Birthday...
(this lomo wall is a little something to make you smile)

-escape-

all i want to do is to run away....
not from reality, not from anything or anyone at all..
i want to escape, from myself...
the one person in this world i cannot lie to....
the one person that i can't smile and pretend all's well....
the one person who is so sick and tired of knowing me too well...
the one person who i can't fool....

what can i do,
when all i want is to escape....
from the prison i created myself....
i don't yearn for freedom,
instead i chose to confine myself....
self inflicting my own pain...
crucifying my own soul....
tormenting my own sanity....

today is one of the days...
where i wished to be swallowed alive....
by the darkness of nothingness....
so that when i see light again,
i will be reborn....

how much emotion can a photo provoke?

i have always known how emotional i could get....so i work hard to appear cold and difficult to approach...but photos have a strong effect on me, something i can't hide....

stumbled upon this photo by Marva Fonseca... made me cringe a little...yet swept over by a sense of calmness too....good photos are meant to provoke....this one just became one of my favourites...especially when she quoted from my all time favourite writer...

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide."
Albert Camus

-silent conversations-

many times, sitting in the train, i am amazed with the amount of thoughts that rush through my head...for many, especially in Europe, traveling by train is a norm, but for me, an Asian, from a country where cars dominate all the major forms of transportation, it is really an exhilarating feeling to be taking the train (even though i have been doing that for almost 2 years now). The feeling of being transformed back into time, like in movies, in sepia tones....and the scenario is enhanced so much in winter, with the Italian women in fashionable fur and leather, men in expensive looking suits and hats....so surreal....sometimes i guess i zone out too easily...get carried away too easily....

most of the time....i bring with me something to read, something to study...as i saw that every old and young person on the train is so absorbed, with crossword puzzles, sodoku...books...homework...such an interesting culture....not to waste the traveling time having silent conversations with oneself, like i do all the time.....

however....this short easter holidays...many thoughts again rush in and out while i was looking out at the beautiful spring landscape...and not stupid thoughts...but thoughts i will write down so that it will mean something...consciously or subconsciously...that's the promise i made to myself...hope i'll be able to keep it....

-tiredness-

it sinks in....then slowly seeps through the whole system....slowly urging every little part of your body to slow down...then to shut down....somewhere deep inside a shrill voice cries out...to fight the spreading numbness....but then after a while....just silence....complete silence...a final sign of defeat...

-one year ago-

time really flies....it's almost 4am, i am sitting in my room, waiting for my image to finish rendering, and as i began to clear my harddisk....i found photos that i dont have any recollection about....and fear really did envelope me....

it's already a year that i saw the designer's (furniture, interior) fair in Milan, an international event crazed over by designers and wannabes....artsy people....and copycats:)

i looked at those forgotten photos...sigh..they deserve some credits....so shall post it here to share....before the new fair this year (end of this month)....

-a Feverish Monday-

Monday blues? at least not today...after almost one week of hot, cold shivers....out of control running nose, sorethroat and everything else that comes with the flu, finally, I woke up today feeling a little better...to be honest, i had to drag myself up to get to work in most days, but today I just felt maybe being at work will make me feel a little less isolated....

well...being an intern is not really real work, I mean, I have worked in this field before (architecture), and i know the drill...no time to be sick.....however if you are an intern, sometimes you can cut a little slack.....but i am not finding excuses....sometimes i feel that i am just too old for this internship business.....between doing my thesis, classes and work, it's kind of nice if I can get some rest....

the office seemed less hostile today...maybe it's my own imagination, or maybe i just got through the phase of being overly negative (which is my normal self, sad to say)....i didn't check my phone, until much later, when i saw some panicky sms from my mum and friends back home, asking if i am ok...only then i found out about the earthquake in central Italy which took many lives, injured even more....26 cities were destroyed.including some medieval cities from the 13th century..it's really devastating to realise that in one night, we can actually lose everything, like the 50,000 people who where left homeless...well...i guess disasters don't discriminate...rich or poor, black, white, or coloured...noone is spared when nature goes on rampage..

here's some photos that i was looking at from Yahoo news..

today is the day that i am reminded of my mum's words about how we always think we are the most unlucky people in the world, for we feel impaired in comparison to the the richer, smarter, more beautiful etc etc....but if we think, for a moment, for those who are suffering, starving, grieving....we will appreciate life a little more....(i've always rolled my eyes when my mum says this....and recently a good friend reminded of this same concept)..today would be a good day to keep this in mind...

-Consonno Shoot-a rustic saturday-

well, normally i wouldn't have much to do on saturdays, and due to the fact that i was down with a bad flu and fever, i was really expecting to just stay at home, feel sorry for myself and sleep and sleep....i was really glad i didn't, and got my lazy ass off the bed to join some friend who are out for a photoshoot...thanks Gihan & Andrea for inviting me, was a nice experience to shoot at a small town - which was said to have dreams of becoming Las Vegas sometime ago, however the rich tycoon died....so did the dreams....

the place was a mess.....but i loved it! abandoned, destroyed, vandalised....i can see traces of past rave parties, hilarious attempts of avant garde decorative elements, half erected buildings....warehouses....completely rusted trucks....ah...such a beauty.....

working with the model was fantastic....she is cool, funny and of course, beautiful.....i do wish that i could have spoken better (or even some) Italian, i am missing out a lot when i can't speak the language.....gosh...continue to tell myself this....but still can't have enough determination to learn it properly...

today is SUnday....promised myself to get some studying done, despite the pain in the shoulder and the fever....but of course...i had to look at the photos taken yesterday first....editted one...for now..

-if Photos can Weep-

- a picture is worth a thousand words - hiding behind the camera, i always thought, i want to capture something which will remind me of this moment....

today however, i felt, if a photo can speak, what would it say? take a look at this photo, as it weeps...

-At Your Most Beautiful-

-heaven on earth-

-somehow the sun will shine again-

It has been a month since i went for a road trip in Sicily, Italy - i have never thought i will be embraced and overwhelmed by so many kinds of emotions. It is, so to speak, nothing that i could relate to, I am from a small city in Malaysia, somehow i always tend to love people and places that give me a sense of familiarity, i search for tiny details in this country i now live in (Italy), for tiny details that provoke my sense of home......to heal my homesickness...

Prior to this trip, i had an exam (4 hours before the flight was due), which unfortunately i failed and have to retake.....so i didn't have much time to do research, this wasn't my usual style of travelling, for i find it difficult to deal with mishaps in a country that speaks almost no english.....but i didn't have any choice, i embarked on the travel with not much expectations of what to do, where to go and what to see......(only detail i knew was that it's the Mafia-land of the Godfather):)

The first sight that greeted me the next morning upon my arrival.....almost made me cry.....how can nature sometimes be so naive? so can it be so full of hopes and dreams? While taking this photo, i knew that this will be trip for reflections, to regenerate myself.....to be grateful that i can still feel emotions flowing out.....something i tend to brace myself against for a long long time....so i guess....for many posts....i will be writing about this beautiful little paradise....of course, there's always the bad seeds (which i will gladly share too)...

-weakness-

strength,
something we all wish and pray for,

weakness,
a feeling that prey on even the ones who are at the top of the world..

there is not borderline,
the truth is, you will always have both,
both came from fear,
fear to fall when you are on top,
fear to climb
when you see the endless stairways..

stop for a moment,
to enjoy the view
when you are on top...
appreciate the journey,
instead of cursing your
lack of strength....

as i wrote all these.....i try to convince myself....
for i have been writing blogs now and then,most of the time not having the courage to press 'publish', for i am afraid, to be labeled weird, to be chastised for being a drama queen....

i thought today, a few days after my 26th birthday, i should make a pact, that i should be consistent, writing might calm my madness, maybe yes, maybe not....but i will try....

if someone is to read this, and come back again to see updates, i'll be pleased.... i can't pretend not to... but if noone does, this will be my little black book.....either way, it will be that -a shout out, before i burn out-

-a piece of me-

when we no longer shine,
when days pass by,
with bittersweet memories of the past,
more and more
we become the shadows
silhouettes, an empty cast....