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ever felt a feeling so strong, where every single cell screams that something really is bad is going to happen?

spasms of uneasiness, waves after waves of panic...

-back to square one-

it's 3 whole months since i've written anything....

same old same old....lack of willpower....basically succumbing to any damn thing that's distracting...there is always some excuse....

that's life......and then there's reality...which is my working life.....

and that there is the betrayal.....it's amazing how the best things in life never ever last....well, you love them so much simply because you think it's the only that will last...for an eternity.....despite your screaming instincts to wake up...you dreamed on....and on and on...

well....today is the day i wake up...to the sounds of my own screaming....it's true after all, nothing lasts.....with this, i'll just say goodbye to the dreams.....welcoming the nightmares with open arms, at least i know for sure, it is not going to be easy...

-an odd sensation-

so far so good.....i can barely contain my excitement of being back in Italy again...the flight was perfect....all was great.....

weather is great and everything so colorful.....however....my body is reacting like its totally confused....suddenly cold, suddenly too hot....sigh...gonna get past this phase soon...

so this time around, i vowed to be completely touristy....to see everything with an open mind, and not feel like i will be around forever, so no hurry to capture the moment with my eyes or camera....God knows when i will be back again:(

its sweet to be back....however its only my second day back and i cant help but feel the odd sensation of incompetence....its always like this, why am i afraid to meet the eye of the lady who casts her suspicious glances from across the train? why do i feel like an invader? why do i feel ashamed when i cant reply questions? why do i fumble and panic when they check my i.d?

same old feeling of inferiority....but at the same time, enjoying being different....i would be lying if i say that i dont enjoy the curious looks and the harmless chatters from strangers.....

i meant to post some photos.....however realised that i cant find my card reader...well, will save that for later.....

april

its april....how could it be?

saturday afternoon.....stuck in office as the world rotates round and round....not that i am complaining...i do love every second of my job....as long as i don't get burn out....

however...i think chances are slim that i will be burnt out soon....a couple more days and i am outta here....time really do fly....when i booked my fight it seemed like i have to wait for an eternity for my trip.....now....it's here....and sigh...so many things i wished to do before leaving...but as usual...didn't materialise....due to 1. my lack of discipline 2. my bad time management skills

so....Italy....here i am...returning with a vengeance.....i am gonna appreciate this trip more than i ever did....for i know after this...would be really hard for me to just take off......

again....i am counting my blessings...not many people can just leave for 4 weeks....to the land of sunshine (i dont mean Malaysia)....spring.....finally i'll see those sunflower fields again:)

empty...again

date taken : march 2010
location: ipoh, perak

today.....i turned 27.....i want it to be as low key as possible....somehow i feel a big rock upon my shoulder...what it is, i dont know....just a sense of restlessness...nonetheless i thank God for allowing me to me where i am now today.....

this photo is taken from my hometown....a timeless sense of stillness.....waiting to be discovered...

-s.l.o.w-

date taken : january 2010
location : ipoh

-layers-

date taken : march 2010
location : ipoh

my efforts in discovering lost spaces in my little classic city brought me to a place we all call 15th floors (in cantonese) as it was the first highrise low cost apartment block in Ipoh, one of its kind since Ipoh has a vast low-spreading development - horizontal instead of vertical. This is a place notorious since the 60's for its high crime rates, enclosed community...which made it even more intriguing...it's my first time venturing inwards....and was greeted by surprising good planning of spaces, open green spaces and sensitive place making, however it was completely abandoned.....isolated and shielded from the rest of the city......and what a surprise! one last shop opened at the ground level that was intended to have facilities to service the community like drugstore, marketplace etc.....such a classic little barber shop....what i like most about the photo is how many stories it tells....

little angel

date taken : march 2010
location : ipoh

today is one of those days when i felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude...it has been many years that i realised that i had never ever take the initiative to take some photos of my hometown, Ipoh, well known for its lost glory, its nothingness, where it seemed to be the ideal place only for retirement......today i finally pulled myself together and along with a friend went to 'see' for the first time, what i have successful leave behind for a long long time....

people venture a long way to capture decisive moments, to explore different horizons....most of the time, we get to a point where we realised we had never acknowledged our roots, which was really what made us who we are.....

these photos are my favourite picks from my short adventure today.....i was in awe, looking for the first time, in a classic coffeeshop that i often go to, the light was great, the environment and ambience is really hard to be described with words....this little girl peered at me....i took 2 quick shots....and she is now by far my favourite model:)

another world

date taken : dec 2009
location : tonle sap, cambodia



there she was,
timeless,
framed in a different world,
a different time..

counting my blessings

date taken : dec 2009


...a sense of gratitude....for uncountable blessings...

long long lapse

another lapse....so much have happened...however somehow it feels the same, surreal somehow but most of all...just strange...

chinese new year went past....a new environment...a new job, yet in an all familiar way...like a blast from the past....

celebration time!

i was never a fan of the festive season...especially the Chinese New Year...however this year i was pretty excited about it, after 2 years spending it couped up in my room, unbelievably searching for chinese new year songs on Youtube..this year i get to spend it with family and friends....i was pretty worked up for it:)

reunion dinners - on the eve of chinese year is really a big thing in my family...unlike many that will have dinner and rush off to see friends, go clubbing....my reunion normally lasts til the wee hours...and that is why normally i would miss the first half of the day of Chinese New year....this year is no exception...

this year, is a little different as it coincide with Valentine's Day...how great is that...it actually toned down the commercial craziness of Valentine's Day....and how great it is that it means i won't be spending it alone:) i am not those who weeps for not having flowers or a date...however it's sickening sometimes to be in the Asian circle where Valentine's Day becomes a benchmark for status, for establishing your self in a respected / general circle.....so....one heave of relieve....i wish Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day could be on the same day ever after:)

with that note....i promised myself this year i will try to get my camera out more...and really get some shots of this beautiful cultural festivity....keeping my fingers crossed that i will not end up hungover for 15 days.....

hello and goodbye

i spent 9 hours in the bus today....getting home to my city...normally i will be iritated, tired, grumpy...however i was actually fine with the time in the bus as i got myself sometime to catch my breath, to be still, quiet and let myself for be contented just to live the moment, be thankful that i am still here, amidst imperfections....encouraging myself to still believe in the beauty of what is around me, people and places alike....

for 9 hours one song kept repeating in my playlist....a song i've always loved, for its sorrows..yet today as i replayed it over and over, i remember all the people i've let down, all those i've said goodbye to, all those i didn't say goodbye to....and i hope it will not be too late...

this song is for the ones i love....yet never 'really' did show how much i care... (do you ever feel so sad that you've let close friends and loved ones slip away for many reasons that at that time seemed out of your control....and then years later realising suddenly how much you missed the person, pick up the phone to call...and realising that you no longer know anything of her/him and you have managed to completely shut them away? the ackwardness of meeting again....the sense of familiarity yet a stronger overwhelming sense of alienation....inflicted by own guilt, self-loathe and pride? ) - it's a haunting feeling i have been having lately...




(from a band i will never stop loving - ataris)

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been too long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime.
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too.

neither here nor there

what happens when we are caught in between,
two completely different worlds,
yet we are neither here nor there?

date taken : nov 2009
model : Rafaelle Cohen
taken by : me



today i felt somehow sentimental...
decided to go through some photos i took but didnt have time to do anything about it yet...again, the photos of 'my muse' - Rafaelle....simply taken from her bedroom window...

not a very productive day...tiredness is sucking me in daily...

-free as a bird-

date taken: august 2009
location : berlin
by: me



how nice it is...
to feel the breeze
free of worries..
of course,
that's just a dream:)

-the way i feel today-

date taken : dec 2009
by : me



need to say more?

back to square one

i must admit that i have been pretty pissed lately with the fact that i cant get any work done....putting the blame everywhere else but on my own inability to act at once...aren't we all guilty in this sense?

i love the sense of achievement...i just hope that i have what it takes to try to achieve something.....everything seemed bleak yet...glistering with excitement and concealed hope....am i gonna get there?

-for better or for worse-

date taken : jan 2010
Alison & Andreas

the union of two blessed souls...
a promise of love....
to have and to hold......

e.y.e.s.

A place i knew well....returning seemed like giving homage to my memories, recapturing moments i feared i forgot...i was greeted first with a scary feeling - so much has changed......the city has been claimed....like many asian cities....by unethical development....concrete giants that contribute to the economy giants but not the people itself....

venturing into the suburbs and villages....i found a sense of peace...a calm sadness that used to haunt this beautiful land each time i pass....what made the land timeless.....the smiles.....the children with their shy glances....the wonderful wonderful children...who had so little but hearts so big....each time i look back at these photos (same feeling every single time i was there) i smile...a bittersweet smile....

.

-homecoming-

my last post was ages ago and once again i have allowed myself to slip, further and further away...

it seemed like i was here for ages and Italy seemed like a faraway memory, somehow arriving back in Malaysia, brought me back to reality, a reality that i fear so much, the reality that i am now officially broke, jobless and somehow lost.

I dreamt of this moment for months, imagining my homecoming, the people i will see, how lucky to feel contented being with my family and so forth....i guess being homesick created an illusion of how good the food tastes, how beautiful everything seemed to be etc etc....i am not saying that it's not that way, because i do love my country, and i do love every moment here...however i cant help being greeted with a tint of disappointment, in a strange way, i envisioned change, some kind of trace of passing time, however it felt so strange to feel back in place...as if i have never left.

A month has passed since i came back - and despite the excitement to get right into the working world, i managed to procrastinate...not that i regret it...i travelled to many places i used to love....and felt completely contented with the profound sense of new + old memories...one month of travelling, i should be grateful i can do this, for many people find it hard to leave their jobs for even 2 minutes, many who also looked for excuses...in fear of what they cannot foresee....

This week, finally taking time to look at my room, where i spent every night of my childhood - how strange to have left home for 8 years, always living elsewhere and treating this room like a stopover, and now....i am removing boxes and boxes`of junks that used to be so meaningful to me....it took me 2 days to empty and rearrange my wardrobe (grateful that my mum kept everything the way i left it)...i kept stopping...as memories fleet in and out....and today, i found my watercolor and art kits...and felt this big pang of regret...how did i forget all these? where did that girl go? i had 2 giant boxes of paintings and watercolors....how could i let go of something that i loved so much? and then there were manuscripts of music, poetry and tons and tons of collections that i spent so much time compiling....they were all my pride...and i have somehow left that part of me trapped in my childhood room and left.....where was that girl? (i dont remember the last time i painted anything, i dont remember the last time i played the piano....)

Now i feel inadequate, an empty shell compared to who i used to be...where was that girl who filled every moment of her life with sports, art and music? why had i allowed myself to turn into this negative, stagnant corpse? a shadow of someone who once shone....

For now....the best way to find myself - to push myself to continue writing, to look at my photos, and know that i had used my past to create a better person through my photos.

well...of course, the task ahead - is to dust and clean....and then...shall update here, my journey back to my homeland...