-homecoming-

my last post was ages ago and once again i have allowed myself to slip, further and further away...

it seemed like i was here for ages and Italy seemed like a faraway memory, somehow arriving back in Malaysia, brought me back to reality, a reality that i fear so much, the reality that i am now officially broke, jobless and somehow lost.

I dreamt of this moment for months, imagining my homecoming, the people i will see, how lucky to feel contented being with my family and so forth....i guess being homesick created an illusion of how good the food tastes, how beautiful everything seemed to be etc etc....i am not saying that it's not that way, because i do love my country, and i do love every moment here...however i cant help being greeted with a tint of disappointment, in a strange way, i envisioned change, some kind of trace of passing time, however it felt so strange to feel back in place...as if i have never left.

A month has passed since i came back - and despite the excitement to get right into the working world, i managed to procrastinate...not that i regret it...i travelled to many places i used to love....and felt completely contented with the profound sense of new + old memories...one month of travelling, i should be grateful i can do this, for many people find it hard to leave their jobs for even 2 minutes, many who also looked for excuses...in fear of what they cannot foresee....

This week, finally taking time to look at my room, where i spent every night of my childhood - how strange to have left home for 8 years, always living elsewhere and treating this room like a stopover, and now....i am removing boxes and boxes`of junks that used to be so meaningful to me....it took me 2 days to empty and rearrange my wardrobe (grateful that my mum kept everything the way i left it)...i kept stopping...as memories fleet in and out....and today, i found my watercolor and art kits...and felt this big pang of regret...how did i forget all these? where did that girl go? i had 2 giant boxes of paintings and watercolors....how could i let go of something that i loved so much? and then there were manuscripts of music, poetry and tons and tons of collections that i spent so much time compiling....they were all my pride...and i have somehow left that part of me trapped in my childhood room and left.....where was that girl? (i dont remember the last time i painted anything, i dont remember the last time i played the piano....)

Now i feel inadequate, an empty shell compared to who i used to be...where was that girl who filled every moment of her life with sports, art and music? why had i allowed myself to turn into this negative, stagnant corpse? a shadow of someone who once shone....

For now....the best way to find myself - to push myself to continue writing, to look at my photos, and know that i had used my past to create a better person through my photos.

well...of course, the task ahead - is to dust and clean....and then...shall update here, my journey back to my homeland...