.when.stars.burn.out.

2011-01-24T23:49:00.000-08:00

Karl lagerfeld said:

"The best idea is always very basic and very stupid"

-

2010-09-14T09:47:00.001-07:00

ever felt a feeling so strong, where every single cell screams that something really is bad is going to happen?

spasms of uneasiness, waves after waves of panic...

-back to square one-

2010-07-29T01:56:00.000-07:00

it's 3 whole months since i've written anything....

same old same old....lack of willpower....basically succumbing to any damn thing that's distracting...there is always some excuse....

that's life......and then there's reality...which is my working life.....

and that there is the betrayal.....it's amazing how the best things in life never ever last....well, you love them so much simply because you think it's the only that will last...for an eternity.....despite your screaming instincts to wake up...you dreamed on....and on and on...

well....today is the day i wake up...to the sounds of my own screaming....it's true after all, nothing lasts.....with this, i'll just say goodbye to the dreams.....welcoming the nightmares with open arms, at least i know for sure, it is not going to be easy...

-an odd sensation-

2010-04-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

so far so good.....i can barely contain my excitement of being back in Italy again...the flight was perfect....all was great.....

weather is great and everything so colorful.....however....my body is reacting like its totally confused....suddenly cold, suddenly too hot....sigh...gonna get past this phase soon...

so this time around, i vowed to be completely touristy....to see everything with an open mind, and not feel like i will be around forever, so no hurry to capture the moment with my eyes or camera....God knows when i will be back again:(

its sweet to be back....however its only my second day back and i cant help but feel the odd sensation of incompetence....its always like this, why am i afraid to meet the eye of the lady who casts her suspicious glances from across the train? why do i feel like an invader? why do i feel ashamed when i cant reply questions? why do i fumble and panic when they check my i.d?

same old feeling of inferiority....but at the same time, enjoying being different....i would be lying if i say that i dont enjoy the curious looks and the harmless chatters from strangers.....

i meant to post some photos.....however realised that i cant find my card reader...well, will save that for later.....

april

2010-04-17T01:37:00.000-07:00

its april....how could it be?

saturday afternoon.....stuck in office as the world rotates round and round....not that i am complaining...i do love every second of my job....as long as i don't get burn out....

however...i think chances are slim that i will be burnt out soon....a couple more days and i am outta here....time really do fly....when i booked my fight it seemed like i have to wait for an eternity for my trip.....now....it's here....and sigh...so many things i wished to do before leaving...but as usual...didn't materialise....due to 1. my lack of discipline 2. my bad time management skills

so....Italy....here i am...returning with a vengeance.....i am gonna appreciate this trip more than i ever did....for i know after this...would be really hard for me to just take off......

again....i am counting my blessings...not many people can just leave for 4 weeks....to the land of sunshine (i dont mean Malaysia)....spring.....finally i'll see those sunflower fields again:)

empty...again

2010-03-29T23:14:00.001-07:00

date taken : march 2010
location: ipoh, perak

today.....i turned 27.....i want it to be as low key as possible....somehow i feel a big rock upon my shoulder...what it is, i dont know....just a sense of restlessness...nonetheless i thank God for allowing me to me where i am now today.....

this photo is taken from my hometown....a timeless sense of stillness.....waiting to be discovered...

-s.l.o.w-

2010-03-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

date taken : january 2010
location : ipoh

-layers-

2010-03-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

date taken : march 2010
location : ipoh

my efforts in discovering lost spaces in my little classic city brought me to a place we all call 15th floors (in cantonese) as it was the first highrise low cost apartment block in Ipoh, one of its kind since Ipoh has a vast low-spreading development - horizontal instead of vertical. This is a place notorious since the 60's for its high crime rates, enclosed community...which made it even more intriguing...it's my first time venturing inwards....and was greeted by surprising good planning of spaces, open green spaces and sensitive place making, however it was completely abandoned.....isolated and shielded from the rest of the city......and what a surprise! one last shop opened at the ground level that was intended to have facilities to service the community like drugstore, marketplace etc.....such a classic little barber shop....what i like most about the photo is how many stories it tells....

little angel

2010-03-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

date taken : march 2010
location : ipoh

today is one of those days when i felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude...it has been many years that i realised that i had never ever take the initiative to take some photos of my hometown, Ipoh, well known for its lost glory, its nothingness, where it seemed to be the ideal place only for retirement......today i finally pulled myself together and along with a friend went to 'see' for the first time, what i have successful leave behind for a long long time....

people venture a long way to capture decisive moments, to explore different horizons....most of the time, we get to a point where we realised we had never acknowledged our roots, which was really what made us who we are.....

these photos are my favourite picks from my short adventure today.....i was in awe, looking for the first time, in a classic coffeeshop that i often go to, the light was great, the environment and ambience is really hard to be described with words....this little girl peered at me....i took 2 quick shots....and she is now by far my favourite model:)

another world

2010-03-11T09:24:00.001-08:00

date taken : dec 2009
location : tonle sap, cambodia

there she was,
timeless,
framed in a different world,
a different time..

counting my blessings

2010-03-09T10:18:00.001-08:00

date taken : dec 2009

...a sense of gratitude....for uncountable blessings...

long long lapse

2010-03-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

another lapse....so much have happened...however somehow it feels the same, surreal somehow but most of all...just strange...

chinese new year went past....a new environment...a new job, yet in an all familiar way...like a blast from the past....

celebration time!

2010-02-13T19:52:00.001-08:00

i was never a fan of the festive season...especially the Chinese New Year...however this year i was pretty excited about it, after 2 years spending it couped up in my room, unbelievably searching for chinese new year songs on Youtube..this year i get to spend it with family and friends....i was pretty worked up for it:)

reunion dinners - on the eve of chinese year is really a big thing in my family...unlike many that will have dinner and rush off to see friends, go clubbing....my reunion normally lasts til the wee hours...and that is why normally i would miss the first half of the day of Chinese New year....this year is no exception...

this year, is a little different as it coincide with Valentine's Day...how great is that...it actually toned down the commercial craziness of Valentine's Day....and how great it is that it means i won't be spending it alone:) i am not those who weeps for not having flowers or a date...however it's sickening sometimes to be in the Asian circle where Valentine's Day becomes a benchmark for status, for establishing your self in a respected / general circle.....so....one heave of relieve....i wish Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day could be on the same day ever after:)

with that note....i promised myself this year i will try to get my camera out more...and really get some shots of this beautiful cultural festivity....keeping my fingers crossed that i will not end up hungover for 15 days.....

hello and goodbye

2010-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

i spent 9 hours in the bus today....getting home to my city...normally i will be iritated, tired, grumpy...however i was actually fine with the time in the bus as i got myself sometime to catch my breath, to be still, quiet and let myself for be contented just to live the moment, be thankful that i am still here, amidst imperfections....encouraging myself to still believe in the beauty of what is around me, people and places alike....

for 9 hours one song kept repeating in my playlist....a song i've always loved, for its sorrows..yet today as i replayed it over and over, i remember all the people i've let down, all those i've said goodbye to, all those i didn't say goodbye to....and i hope it will not be too late...

this song is for the ones i love....yet never 'really' did show how much i care... (do you ever feel so sad that you've let close friends and loved ones slip away for many reasons that at that time seemed out of your control....and then years later realising suddenly how much you missed the person, pick up the phone to call...and realising that you no longer know anything of her/him and you have managed to completely shut them away? the ackwardness of meeting again....the sense of familiarity yet a stronger overwhelming sense of alienation....inflicted by own guilt, self-loathe and pride? ) - it's a haunting feeling i have been having lately...

(from a band i will never stop loving - ataris)

so long my friend, don't say goodbye
just give me one last kiss beneath this glowing sky.
we'll go walking through the park
and hang out in the rain.
tell a joke and watch me smile
as we drink away the day.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you.

hello again, it's been too long.
what happened to our love
since the last time I was gone?

I detach myself again
and lose something everytime.
the solutions in the problem
temporarily alright.

and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
that sometimes it might actually come true.
our conversation can't consist of hello and goodbye
and the silence between saying I love you.
and sometimes I wonder 'bout that too.

neither here nor there

2010-02-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

what happens when we are caught in between,
two completely different worlds,
yet we are neither here nor there?

2010-02-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

date taken : nov 2009
model : Rafaelle Cohen
taken by : me

today i felt somehow sentimental...
decided to go through some photos i took but didnt have time to do anything about it yet...again, the photos of 'my muse' - Rafaelle....simply taken from her bedroom window...

not a very productive day...tiredness is sucking me in daily...

-free as a bird-

2010-01-30T09:21:00.001-08:00

date taken: august 2009
location : berlin
by: me

how nice it is...
to feel the breeze
free of worries..
of course,
that's just a dream:)

-the way i feel today-

2010-01-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

date taken : dec 2009
by : me

need to say more?

back to square one

2010-01-24T23:13:00.000-08:00

i must admit that i have been pretty pissed lately with the fact that i cant get any work done....putting the blame everywhere else but on my own inability to act at once...aren't we all guilty in this sense?

i love the sense of achievement...i just hope that i have what it takes to try to achieve something.....everything seemed bleak yet...glistering with excitement and concealed hope....am i gonna get there?

-for better or for worse-

2010-01-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

date taken : jan 2010
Alison & Andreas

the union of two blessed souls...
a promise of love....
to have and to hold......

e.y.e.s.

2010-01-19T11:57:00.000-08:00

A place i knew well....returning seemed like giving homage to my memories, recapturing moments i feared i forgot...i was greeted first with a scary feeling - so much has changed......the city has been claimed....like many asian cities....by unethical development....concrete giants that contribute to the economy giants but not the people itself....

venturing into the suburbs and villages....i found a sense of peace...a calm sadness that used to haunt this beautiful land each time i pass....what made the land timeless.....the smiles.....the children with their shy glances....the wonderful wonderful children...who had so little but hearts so big....each time i look back at these photos (same feeling every single time i was there) i smile...a bittersweet smile....

-homecoming-

2010-01-19T01:51:00.000-08:00

my last post was ages ago and once again i have allowed myself to slip, further and further away...

it seemed like i was here for ages and Italy seemed like a faraway memory, somehow arriving back in Malaysia, brought me back to reality, a reality that i fear so much, the reality that i am now officially broke, jobless and somehow lost.

I dreamt of this moment for months, imagining my homecoming, the people i will see, how lucky to feel contented being with my family and so forth....i guess being homesick created an illusion of how good the food tastes, how beautiful everything seemed to be etc etc....i am not saying that it's not that way, because i do love my country, and i do love every moment here...however i cant help being greeted with a tint of disappointment, in a strange way, i envisioned change, some kind of trace of passing time, however it felt so strange to feel back in place...as if i have never left.

A month has passed since i came back - and despite the excitement to get right into the working world, i managed to procrastinate...not that i regret it...i travelled to many places i used to love....and felt completely contented with the profound sense of new + old memories...one month of travelling, i should be grateful i can do this, for many people find it hard to leave their jobs for even 2 minutes, many who also looked for excuses...in fear of what they cannot foresee....

This week, finally taking time to look at my room, where i spent every night of my childhood - how strange to have left home for 8 years, always living elsewhere and treating this room like a stopover, and now....i am removing boxes and boxes`of junks that used to be so meaningful to me....it took me 2 days to empty and rearrange my wardrobe (grateful that my mum kept everything the way i left it)...i kept stopping...as memories fleet in and out....and today, i found my watercolor and art kits...and felt this big pang of regret...how did i forget all these? where did that girl go? i had 2 giant boxes of paintings and watercolors....how could i let go of something that i loved so much? and then there were manuscripts of music, poetry and tons and tons of collections that i spent so much time compiling....they were all my pride...and i have somehow left that part of me trapped in my childhood room and left.....where was that girl? (i dont remember the last time i painted anything, i dont remember the last time i played the piano....)

Now i feel inadequate, an empty shell compared to who i used to be...where was that girl who filled every moment of her life with sports, art and music? why had i allowed myself to turn into this negative, stagnant corpse? a shadow of someone who once shone....

For now....the best way to find myself - to push myself to continue writing, to look at my photos, and know that i had used my past to create a better person through my photos.

well...of course, the task ahead - is to dust and clean....and then...shall update here, my journey back to my homeland...

-calm-

2009-11-19T15:16:00.000-08:00

date taken : nov 2009

-transit-

2009-10-10T03:05:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009

-for what it's worth-

2009-10-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

completely new,
to the game
how can it end
before it even began?

what are the rules?
what's the price?
what if in the end,
all's lost?
who's to blame but yourself?

despite the silent screams
screams of alarm,
we charged
on and on and on,
possessed by an immaculate force
just to turn back to see,
we only succeeded in destroying
nothing but ourselves..

for what it's worth,
what mattered is that we tried
learning to accept defeat
is more difficult
than defeat itself....

walk tall
for you have defeated defeat
tomorrow comes,
forever we will carry the pain
but for what it's worth....
we stayed alive...
we fought for what we believed in,
and we fall....gracefully....

-all that matters-

2009-10-06T02:41:00.000-07:00

moments like this,
a calm settling feeling...
a soft smile....and a voice that says...
it will all be ok...

very rare moments,
moments i will cherish and remember...
moments when being myself
is something precious...
when doing the right thing
feels better than doing what the heart says...
rare moments,
of content.....

the silence....
is all that matters...
at least for now...

my apology

2009-10-06T02:35:00.000-07:00

hadn't been up for writing for some time now...guilty as charged....
today however....woke up with one song in my head....found it on youtube....and been listened to it over and over again......

my apology
-the get up kids-

You'll be accepting my apology
for taking things too seriously.
Sometimes I'm old enough to keep routines,
sometimes I'm child enough to scream for everything.
I broke in two.
You're barely missing me,
I'm missing you and everything you do.
I really do.
My once photographic memory,
for recollection's sake is failing me.
I can't remember for the life of me.
Sometimes I can think to recite
words that I read and rewrite.
My pens paint people that I've proven wrong,
but we move on.
Get a job where I tell all of my accounts
of someone else.
I'm quick enough to judge that they were wrong
and that we knew it all along.
Sing a long long-winded song.
I would be content to hum along.
If I state that my fingers know where to show
what everyone should have know,
I'll let it go.
Hopefully you'll forget the word that I put in print.
My luck,
you'll change and have strength enough to walk away.

-it's gonna be ok-

2009-09-24T12:57:00.001-07:00

date taken : march 2009

it's gonna be ok....
i've got myself...
it's not gonna go down without a fight...

how to stay in focus

2009-09-24T02:07:00.000-07:00

at times like this, sometimes i just burst out laughing, sometimes into tears...
no longer able to comprehend....but i understand that i am in a state of insanity...
i guess when i can say that...i am pretty much still on the safe side, right?
all of us are insane in one way or another....anyway..

i have a few days to rush through some stuff....
but mind is blocked...
rebelling and screaming...
is it true that when you lock someone up for a long time
they lose their minds?
what if i've kept myself a prisoner too long...
what happens then?

-the day that i die-

2009-09-21T18:07:00.001-07:00

i had a very disturbing dream....i dreamt that i stood and looked at myself die...maybe its a premonition...or a metaphor to show how badly i am treating myself...

the scary part about all this is not watching myself die....it's about how calm and peaceful it felt, like life is just another step to a more meaningful purpose....

this sets me down to think.....what have i learnt in my life? how did i end up becoming so toxic? why do i feel the need to carry the burden of my past? is it because if i let go, i have nothing else to hang on to?

and then i began to wonder....am i losing parts of myself day by day...because maybe i do enjoy the sense of pain....because probably pain is better than feeling numb and dead....but how long can i go on like this? what if the pain eats and eats and soon there is nothing left?

i will close my eyes now and go back to sleep.....hoping that some answers will come.....

-if-

2009-09-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

if only all these are part of a dream
i pray and pray that i wake up unhurt

if i have one thing to ask
i ask for salvation
for a renewed ability to love myself

if i can change one thing in the world
i will change my own existence
it's probably better,
for you,
for me...
that i disappear...

ever so sweet

2009-09-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

from the Early November....a band i loved for a long long time.....this song is about finally admitting the end of a long beautiful journey together.....it's about hanging on to whatever we can make-believe....to refuse to see the real truth of a failing relationship....a song beautifully written....

I just found a friend in one of your lies
To treat me so nice, I can't believe my bones
When they say so many things
They tell me I am fine
Believe me I, I try

Ever so sweet you make this seem
The way things go
It's not my fault
And I'll miss, I'll miss you so good
All of those nights that we lost our way back home

Ever so sweet, you baked it in cakes for me
What you left behind
It hurts my teeth
Bringing the past with the postcards you sent for me
Every line
It brings me right back down

Can't you see the wall you build for me?
Can't you see the wall you build for me?
Can't you see the wall you build for me?
We're not special
We're not special
We're not special
I'm not special
I'm not special

Ever so sweet, you baked it in cakes for me
What you left behind
It hurts my teeth
Bringing the past with the postcards you sent for me
Every line
It brings me right back down

-what is love?

2009-09-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

we've all heard about it,
everyone has something to say about it..
movies flaunt it's glory...
songs mourn it's absence...
but,
what is love,
really?

is it one of those things that happens to everyone,
or just a concept that everyone pretends to grasp,
so they do not feel left out?

i really wonder....
what is this magical element that could
make the strongest man weep
and the weakest soul grow bold....

do people really mean it
when they utter the words,
'i love you'
do they really feel the tingles....
as the movies tell us?

or again i wonder...
is it true that love is so selfless....
that it's worth dying for..
and it also means that
you can stand by with a plastered smile
watching as your loved one falls in love with another,
is love so great that
the knowledge of the other half being happy is enough,
when you cry in misery night after night?

is there such a thing
as the love of your life?
what happens when it slips away ?
is life no longer worth living?

endless questions....
from a non-believer...
or mainly just a coward
for i fear with my life,
i fear the hurt,
i fear the pain....
i fear the shut of the door
for the day
i can no longer feel whole again...

-memories-

2009-09-19T01:44:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : jewish memorial, berlin

-memories-

painful,
shameful...
or perhaps a blurred revelation of victory..
all depict who we were...
will it determine who we will be?
maybe yes, maybe no...
but one thing to be sure..
it can never be erased.

-little rhymes-

2009-09-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

a sad song by Mercury Rev to get through tough times, a defense mechanism to continue long bitter journey....how true....a haunting song....an escape to a world of your own, one that you can forget the hurt and the pain......it's about how to reinvent yourself at times when the real you cannot pull through.....

Stairs to nowhere climb
I take them, all the time
Crawling on my knees
Walking that old fine line

And when I'm alone and scared
I think of little rhymes
They would make no sense to you
But I make them all the time

And time's all mine
And time's all mine

It's the little pills you find
Crushed to dust, rolling out of sight
They end up in the strangest places
But I take them all the time

And time's all mine
And time's all mine

When everyone is false
I tell them I'm just fine
I can't remember their names
But I fake them all the time

And time's all mine
And time's all mine
And time's all mine
And the time's all mine

And when I'm alone and scared
I think of little rhymes
They would make no sense to you
But I make them all the time

-what's within-

2009-09-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

date taken : april 2009
model: Federica

what do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror...
do you like what you see?

waking up,
with the same uncertainties of yesterday...
the image looking back at you...
who exactly is that?

-the rain-

2009-09-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

a phrase i've heard many times before....
and i couldn't agree more..

-i love walking in the rain, because noone knows i am crying-

-darkness-

2009-09-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

date taken : sept 2009
model: Alessandra Fumagalli

darkness...
it always envelopes us..
can't run,
can't hide....

maybe, just maybe...
darkness will make sunrise sweeter...
all we can do,
is hope......

pretty pathetic

2009-09-16T00:51:00.000-07:00

- a song i started my day with...not exactly very jolly....but a great song, with great lyrics......

You should have heard me sobbing
As I drove home that night
Got into bed and stayed there
For days I just laid there
Having been permanently changed
But we won't get into that now
Let's take it from the start

You should have seen me smiling
Like the world was mine
She used to call me baby
Softly, sometimes.
But if I dwell on those days too long
I feel like my life is over
And that's no good
So let's move on

To the part where I begin to sense
Her distance
I panic and hold on tighter
That makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When she says:
"This is something I'm going through,
It's got nothing to do with you"

I had a special evening all planned out
Desperately determined to reignite
Some spark between us
She had to feel something for me
A love as strong as ours
Doesn't just go away,
You can't just turn it off.
Unless she was lying all those times
But I don't think so,
I really don't think so.
The way she used to look at me
Made me a thousand feet high
The meaning of the word "cool"
Not the same geek
Who fumbled through his words that night
The ugliest night

I said some pretty awkward things
I got the feeling that she felt sorry for me
I should have seen it was hopeless and left it alone
But I had to go on embarrassing myself

I miss what we had, I need you so badly.
I miss what we had, I need you so badly.
I miss what we had, I need you so badly.
I miss what we had, I need you so badly.

I must have sounded pretty pathetic, I know
That's why I don't blame her for what she said
But listen to me rambling
We don't know each other that well
But you're so easy to talk to
I feel like I could tell you almost anything
I hope I haven't put you off
I have a tendency to do that
Why don't I just be quiet?

is time really a cure?

2009-09-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

they say,
time heals all...

i say,
we heal when we realise
it is an endless battle...
life is like a butterfly,
we want to be in control,
we hold on too tight,
we crush our most precious dreams..
even if we were very careful,
we know,
it will whitter away and leave us....
so what's the point?

time,
doesn't heal
time makes us wiser...

-

2009-09-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

when someone asks you 'how are you',
they didn't really want to know the answer...

-the vampire diaries-
(just something that's stuck in my head today)

-an empty room-

2009-09-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

date taken : sept 2009

an empty room
abandoned...

an empty heart
broken and wasted..

today is the day
i'll smile and make it believable,
start fresh,
be someone new,
that's the only way to pull through...

-

2009-09-13T02:53:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009

love means you are constantly apologising...
-weeds-

-the hardest part-

2009-09-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

by coldplay...
(lyrics that could be so real...)

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
It is sweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh and I...
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart, oh...

And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
That was the hardest part, oh... oh...

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
Your silver lining the clouds
Oh and I...
Oh and I...
I wonder what it's all about

I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

-the joke of the day-

2009-09-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009

i am the clown,
the joke of the day...
how is it possible
to be so blind...
the answer is obvious...
but just danced around it..
over and over and over again

like the puppy
waiting for the master's
hand in approval

like a clown
just like a clown
with the colorful face..
behind it all...
lies the saddest heart
the saddest eyes...

noone's to blame...
we are all responsible for who we are....

-the beginning of the end-

2009-09-11T00:07:00.000-07:00

date taken : march 2009
location : sicily

the beginning of the end of the beginning...
forward...not easy, but i don't wanna live in the past anymore...

-time's up-

2009-09-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

date taken : 2007
location : moma, ny

090909.....that's today......the day like any other days in these 2 weeks of self inflicted pain....the only difference is...i realised that we have to choose how we live our lives....and i have chosen to be miserable, unreasonable and a pain in the ass....

then i read this simple forwarded email, one that i have seen a million times before, one that i sneered at how cheesy it is....

Life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner....
Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the mean time, we're here and we can still dance....

well....i am still here....i have 2 choices....to sulk and trap myself in my own deceptions....or to take a turn that will hurt so much now, but in the end save my soul from further grieve....
i am still confused, who isn't....but i think i can get there.....alone, but alive.....broken, but at the same time new.....

i hope the show is over....so i can go home....

the glow of happiness

2009-09-08T03:50:00.001-07:00

date taken : sept 2009
model : Alessandra Fumagalli

a simple smile
lights up the day

-i yearn to feel once again.....so i can finally feel alive -

circles

2009-09-07T15:30:00.000-07:00

-running in circles....catching tails.....over and over and over again-

-the hero dies in this one-

2009-09-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

bit and pieces of aa beautiful song....lyrics that makes me cry over and over again.....by the ATaris

Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.

I don't think I ever told you,
But I know you always did your best.
And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you,
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

Do you ever feel like crying?
Do you ever feel like giving up?
I raise my hands up towards the sky,
I say this prayer for you tonight,
Because nothing is impossible.

The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be, it's being content with who you are

-the drug-

2009-09-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

one step forward, ten steps back....that's how i feel today....one moment i felt so strong i can take on the world...alone....and then just when i thought that i will get through all obstacles, another wave of pain hit me again and again....one time stronger than another....

a nonbeliever, but i had been praying daily...it's the only salvation....i don't know what else i can do to stop the pain....i am completely out of control....and i can't even pretend anymore like i used to....somehow i feel like an addict...addicted to inflict pain to myself....

the internet is amazing....i was so desperate that i googled some self help topics....and came upon this....(how pathetic this would normally seem to me....but i really have to learn to get on with my life...one way or another.....) - i am gonna paste it here...to remind myself each time tears threaten to fall...

- how to forget - how to do the right thing -

Cry out everything you have to cry about!
When we get hurt, it's normal (and good) to cry. Don't ever think you're being weak for crying and don't feel embarrassed because of it! It's normal and it's good! When you cry, you let go of part of your anger and hurt so you can feel less heavy. You can lock yourself in a room, if you want to, and put on some sad music...but let yourself feel the pain and cry so you can let it go. The main thing here is: Get rid of the pain! Just let it go!

Get busy! When you're trying to get something out of your head, you need to put other things inside of it. In other words...get busy! It doesn't matter how, you just need to get distracted. Go to a movie, watch a play, travel. It doesn't matter what are you going to do--the important thing is to find something to do. Find a hobby, find something you enjoy doing, something to keep your mind busy.

Avoid getting near what hurts the most! Try not to go to places you store memories. When you're trying to forget it gets hard to confront and be brave. If you can't avoid, just try not to torture yourself thinking irrelevantly. Just be gentle and keep busy all the time so you won't have excuses to let your shields down.

Accept the process! You can be really strong and it's still going to hurt. The process takes time and you have to accept that! You can't hope to forget in 2 days something you loved for years...and you can't pretend to be strong if you feel like crying. Just face your pain and accept that it's not easy and it's going to take some time. When you're patient with yourself and your situation, things tend to get easier...

-step by step i have to do all these.....to be honest with myself...and not allow anymore fantasies....i have to learn to love myself, how to, i dont know.....but i think i have to give myself a chance.......

for now, i can only pray....(maybe God has not forsaken me)...

-learning to fly-

2009-09-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

before we learn to fly...
we have to learn how use our wings..
how to lift ourselves
no longer dependent on our own 2 feet.

i am trying,
step by step..
afraid of the fall,
afraid to leave the ground...
10 thousand reasons
saying i could flap my wings and fly high
but i needed only one to stay...
one that i know i will never find..

so why?
why the hesitation?
why hold on to something so desolate
why allow myself to be brought down to my knees?
because...
i am human, flesh and soul...

-strangers 01-

2009-09-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin
by : me

randomness....a photo with a strange cut, but i really liked it...

-stolen-

2009-09-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

why does every song seemed sadder than usual?
why does the sun seemed less cheerful?
why does my favourite food seemed tasteless?
how can tears come so easily?
why is it that the same sense of pain kept coming back even though i wanna ignore it so bad?
what happened to my life?

why does every word sting so bad?
every silence slices through me like a knife...

i felt that you have stolen my life
gave me hopes
taught me to chase my dreams
just to take it all away from me
replaced it with fear and bitterness
and now, i am just jaded, wounded...
stolen.

- i believe...again-

2009-09-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

learning to let go...
first i guess we need baby steps...
i realised i used writing to help me heal...
and by stopping the words,
i succumbed to even a higher level of madness...
so here i am again..
this time,
more determined...

i will love myself
before i expect others to love me...
and one thing i have to know..
people makes mistakes,
over and over again
that's life....

i should give myself a chance,
i would no longer cry
for the absent hearts
for the dreams that i chased alone....
please let me have the strength
to pick myself up again
and hold my head up high....

-light and shadow-

2009-09-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
model : Alessandra

-blinded-

2009-08-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

-he who sees with his eyes is blind-plato

-my prayer-

2009-08-29T13:31:00.001-07:00

date taken : june 2009

-please give me strength, please, so i can go on-

-pieces of me-

2009-08-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

date taken : april 2009

sick and tired of writing depressive stuff....pity my poor diary, nowhere to run, no where to hide...so....though i still feel like shit....just gonna sleep and then wake up to the lovely sunshine....to count the days when i will be home again....to a safe place...where i know i have friends who care....who really care...so i can look at myself in the mirror and feel no shame...

so....tomorrow's saturday....a day not for mourning...a day for simple bliss....gonna let this sick soul of mine take a break....

until then, maybe i should no longer write here....just simple photos, photos that can be judged with on a simple basis (like / dislike) .... no more words...just photos....til i heal...

-a song for the day-

2009-08-28T02:56:00.000-07:00

a song that i've always loved....

-the ataris-

only two more days untill your birthday
Yeah yesterday was mine you'll be turning five
I know what it's like growing up
without your father in your life

so I pretend I'm doing all I can
and I hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why I'm not arround
and forgive me for not being in your life

I remember waiting for you to come
remember waiting for you to call
remember waiting and not find a thing at all

I hope I get that chance to make it up to you
We got a lot of catching up to do

so I pretend I'm doing all I can
and I hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why I'm not arround
and forgive me for not being in your life

I remember waiting for you to come
remember waiting for you to call
remember waiting and not find a thing at all

forgive me
I'm so sorry
I will make it up to you...

-goodbye dreams-

2009-08-28T02:46:00.001-07:00

date taken : june 2009

so long my dreams,
a new chapter has begun....
it hurts now
but i know i am doing what's right...
and somehow i will make it
letting go isn't easy,
especially when it's a part of me...
but eventually i'll be fine
i'll be able to laugh at myself
for my naive fantasies...

for now, the pain will make me real
no more dreams,
i'll bid goodbye with a smile.

the sad reality

2009-08-27T13:36:00.001-07:00

rest in peace....the truth is, life goes on...bitter as it may be, it's true....

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin

i felt very sad when i found this little creature lying dead on the street,
however i guess that's life...
my state of mind today is just jumping from depressed,
to hopeful..
anger to pure pain.....
symptoms of what life is....and i am not complaining...
but i can't help but wish for the roller coaster ride to be over...
maybe this poor soul is smiling right now...

-my life-

2009-08-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

This blog was meant for me to vent..i guess...sadly to say, it's my only companion...minus the fact that maybe the server could be down or that internet's gone, i guess it's pretty reliable...at least a place i could feel safe for a while...

How could life get so out of hand? It's really a joke.....ever been in a situation where you took for granted or were in denial for a long time....sometimes even try your best to be cruel and mean just to run away from confrontations, not with someone else.....but with yourself.. The path seemed so crooked and difficult....and then one morning...you wake up..and realised that it was YOU that created all the drama...and that you wanted nothing more than what you already had.....

You put down your shield....you let yourself be weak...you let yourself care....and then life plays its cruel joke on you....and you are 2 steps back again....feeling like a total fool...for believing that miracles do happen, that you do have someone you can trust...who's kidding who? This is a dog eat dog world...the strong survives....and i will work hard....to be strong again....this little voice inside...the one begging to be loved....is gone....gone for good...i have noone but myself....and it's not really so bad....

I will wake up one day, and this emotional nightmare will be gone....until then, i'll shed my tears in the dark, face my fears alone....mourn my mistakes on my own...for I only have me....and my blog:)

-you get what you ask for-

2009-08-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

there is a price to pay
for every action,
every move,
and sometimes it is more than you have bargained for.

it's easy to love what you want
but why is it so difficult to love what you have?
give me a heart of steel
so i can no longer feel.

-post processing-

2009-08-24T03:39:00.001-07:00

date taken : june 2009
location : verona

Using photoshop sometimes can really get out of hand...sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse. I always have the problem of being spontaneous and unorganised, and that's influenced me in many aspects of my life....even like when i am using photoshop. Trial and error...and the refusal and stubborness to follow tutorials and conventional techniques gave me a lot of headache sometimes. Like this photo, i liked the photo in the end, for the original photo lack of a certain sense of movement, and drama.....

How did i get to this.....well....i didn't know:( That's the perks of being rebellious i guess....

-flying high-

2009-08-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : sony center, berlin

-faces from Berlin-

2009-08-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin

-beautiful faces from Berlin-

cover girl

2009-08-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin

can't help myself...people watching is still what i like best....capturing the spontaneous characters of people everywhere really give me the kicks....i am not always able to do it, for sometimes it seems rude, sometimes i am shy to approach someone...many times i really wanna walk up and ask if i could take a photo but never found the guts...so i am trying to perfect the skill of casual shots of people and places, places and people.....

this one i like for its ability to make everything else seemed frozen in time, capturing real scenario like a planned scheme....well...Berlin is diverse...i really enjoyed just sitting by a cafe, by the park....watching people......sounds like a freak?

-drama in play-

2009-08-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin

first post on Berlin.....the city where historical and contemporary languages merge. Due to the fact i didn't prepare much for this trip, i was able to see the city as it unfolds in front of me...without expectations...

such a strange sensation...to be surrounded by so many different kinds of characters....from the ultra modern city, to the laid back riverfronts....and then again to the seriousness of the historical context....back to the richness of the cultural movements...and then again chanced upon the diverse intensity of the people....back and forth..back and forth...

as i looked back at the photos, i made up my mind to write more on the architectural routes that i accidentally followed....in search of the basis created by great architects and planners....from Aldo Rossi to Mies Van der Rohe, from Renzo Piano to Frank Gehry....from Jean Nouvel to Daniel Libeskind....and the list goes on and on and on......

coming soon...

-an Architectural Enlightenment-

2009-08-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

date taken : august 2009
location : berlin

one week of break, with tonnes of photographs...memories...shall really work on posting blogs on this trip.....for now, just gonna unpack....and unwind..

-one memorable encounter-

2009-08-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

date taken : 2005
location : north Chiangmai, Thailand

i will never forget this moment in time when i snapped this photo....such a beautiful smile despite the hard life, such determination despite all the shortcomings....this photo is my personal reminder....to kick myself when dissatisfaction rules all rational, when i feel life is unjust.....one look at this beautiful smile, to shame myself for all the complaints and whines....

always remember.....love is patient, love is kind, love endures all.....

thought for the day

2009-08-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

they say before you die
your whole life flashes before your eyes

make it worth watching...

rustic

2009-08-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

date taken : april 2009

-this time imperfect-afi

2009-08-07T04:11:00.000-07:00

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay
Forever haunted, more than afraid
Asphyxiate on words I would say
I'm drawn to a blackened sky
As I turn blue

There are no flowers
No, not this time
There will be no angels
Gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile
But I'm too weak
I'd share with you
Could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved
I'm make believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems no one will appear here
And make me real

There are no flowers
No, not this time
There'll be no angels
Gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile
But I'm too weak
I'd share with you
Could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day
And sinks into my dreams
I'd tell you how it haunts me
Cuts through my day
And sinks into my dreams
You don't care that it haunts me

There are no flowers
No, not this time
There'll be no angels
Gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile
But I'm too weak
I'd share with you
Could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you...

we're so far away - mae

2009-08-06T03:50:00.001-07:00

this beautiful used to make me really emotional...
today, it did it's magic again..that's what music is about...
it's not about what's good, what's bad, what's new, what's old..
it brings back memories, words that feel so close to our hearts...
as long as you feel that, that's good music, no matter how crappy it may seem...

my share for the day...

-i've got a secret-

2009-08-06T03:18:00.001-07:00

date taken : july 2009

children,
they understand more than you and me
they know what matters more....do you?

-obsession-

2009-08-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

date taken : june 2009

obsession...

Obsession to obsess...looking up at the dictionary, obsession is defined as a compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion. It hits me hard on the face, yes, indeed unreasonable i am, yes, indeed overly emotional i am. What's gotten into me? Today i felt this sense of loss so deep that i felt scared...like a piece of me had been chopped off. It's like an artist who treasures the beauty around him so intensively, and woke up one day with a color blindness. Or a dancer who is no longer able to understand the rhythm and beat of the music.... even a poet, who forgot how to read and write...

i cried, in fear....

-worn out-

2009-08-04T03:23:00.000-07:00

date taken : april 2009
location : Milan, Italy

- worn out -
stop for a moment
to look at the faces around you
see how weary she is
how life has worn her out
there is a stubborn willfulness
a struggle to not give in
so there she was,
if only you would give a damn...

-adopt me-

2009-08-04T03:01:00.000-07:00

date taken : april 2009
location : Milan, Italy

found this cute photo today....taken from the Saloni Mobile this year in Milan, the design week which showcased the up and coming designs and of course designers. Some were strange, some cool, this one, cute...

This photo was taken inside the showcase of Domestic (www.domestic.fr), i love the graphics, especially the funky wall drawings and simple elements introduced that make spatial functions a more pleasant one...somehow i like the way each and every design seemed rather personal, seemed customised for each different kind of user....(well, maybe especially for more chic and trendy styles) - for i don't think it has a classical breath to its style....

well...a refreshing start for the day...

-peace-

2009-08-03T12:59:00.001-07:00

date taken : june 2009

a peaceful place
for silent thoughts
a sensation so blissful
for the restless soul

-the candy-

2009-07-31T04:32:00.001-07:00

date taken : june 2009
location : tuscany, Italy

-my candy of the day-
never failed to cheer me up......hope it has the same effect for you..

-freedom of expression-

2009-07-30T03:47:00.000-07:00

date taken : march 2008
location : Karlsruhe, Germany

-cheers-

2009-07-30T03:11:00.001-07:00

date taken : june 2009
location : the arena, verona

a memorable, accidental photo from The Killers' concert in the Arena

-smile like you mean it-

2009-07-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

date taken: june 2009
location : Borgo (i think), Italy
by: Marco D.

Today i am supposed to be studying for an exam tomorrow....but there i was, from the morning until now it's evening, scrolling through old photos, reading blogs, watching short films.....anything that could take me away from the lecture notes....sigh...i know i will regret this later....

However this photo caught my eyes......i forgot to smile lately, sometimes i even think that i am no longer capable of truly smiling because i was happy....well, we do surprise ourselves sometimes.....

How many times have i smiled politely, so i don't appear rude and cranky? How many times i smiled just to fit in? hmmm....uncountable.....i guess when this photo was taken, for a moment, i was just feeling blessed to be out in a beautiful place, without any thoughts in my mind.....how rare is that? VERY.....

-all burnt out-

2009-07-28T02:59:00.001-07:00

date taken : july 2009
location : monaco
by : Marco D.

summer blues.....i am all burnt out,
physically and mentally....
as beautiful as it is here,
i miss home....

but for now, i've got to finish what i've started...
til then,
home is an illusion...
a far fetched dream.

i know i will bitch about it all
i mean,
home's never perfect....
but i kindda crave for a place...
where i fit right in,
for now,
i will be contented..
just to know,
i have a place called home.

-life's too short for ambition-

2009-07-28T02:22:00.000-07:00

This post came a couple days late....but better late than never....

Every year during Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, Deepavali.....Independence Day.....one of the many things that i've enjoyed most would be the deep, heart-touching commercials of Yasmin Ahmad (one of the most prominent and honest filmmakers, in my opinion)..her honesty in interpretating each and every little scenarios in life (in Malaysia) , where there is not a tint of filtering to appear like what it's supposed to be, just bold truths.....of how we were brought up....

I shall not write about her achievements.....wikipedia and google have millions of those....i just want to acknowlege this wonderful person, who saw that nothing was too small, too insignificant....

The imperfections of life.......makes it so perfect......

I've always be proud to be brought up in my imperfect country....and now, more than ever, browsing through all her works, big and small.....i feel a deep sense of loss.....we have lost a legend....but her legacy will live on....once again, she made me smile, laugh and shed tears just by rewatching her commercials today....the power of a storyteller....

here's one that made me smile.....(one that reminds us of the time where we were a blank sheer of paper, unpolluted, unprejudiced....... where colors were beautiful....not categories)

-for you my dear friend-

2009-07-22T12:06:00.001-07:00

date taken : 2007
model : SalinA Long
location : Johor Bahru, Malaysia

my dear friend,
this one is for you....

great times,
how i long for the simplicity of those days
where we giggled for no reason at all..
good friends are not easy
to find,
harder to keep...
and for this,
i wish you well....

for your wonderful new beginning,
i hope you will be happy always,
especially on your special day...

with lots of love.

-one year ago-

2009-07-22T12:04:00.001-07:00

date taken : 2008
location : paris

-eyes don't lie-

2009-07-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

date taken : february 2009
location : venice

one day in a year.....
they come out to play
the roles of others
what they could have been
should have been
would have been...
if only....

some were fooled
some were contented
at least for a day
some felt ridiculed
mostly....
all escaped
at least for a day,
the harsh reality
called yesterday and tomorrow...

-we were giants-

2009-07-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

date taken : june 2009
location : verona

french or italian?

2009-07-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

I seldom do reviews on places that I've been to, however this time around, I felt maybe I should stop being lazy and do so.....well, the main reason is the big contrast and various feelings that was bugging me since my return...

For starters, we visited Torino, not really to see the city but for Beth Ditto's fantastic band, The Gossip. The fact that the gig was at a rather small secluded park, with bad sound and an army of mosquitoes, it was actually really worth it...the band was great, the public transportation was amazingly efficient (unlike most Italian systems)....we got back to the bed & breakfast we booked prior to that, safe and sound though it was way past midnight....

Here are some photos of the B&B, 100% satisfaction.....well...the place is right smacked in the centre of the city, downside was, there was no elevator, but well, the 4 storeys climb was definitely quite worthy (in my opinion). Let the photos do the place justice....it's not the typical homey traditional, old and vintage, typical italian B&B, but it does come with the same friendly caretaker (always smiling, eager to please)

(all photos taken in july 2009 by me)

01 view from the entrance....modern furnishing, clean and sleek...well....maybe a bit gimmicky....but I don't really mind:) (they even had a brand new ipod to be hooked to the tv - everything is for our disposal - what's more to complain about?)

02 the bedroom....a double bed, with an extra bed since we were in 3.... the tv was lovely, and i forgot to take the photo of the bathroom....we had our own personal jacuzzi...(well....Italians do take pride in the size of their bathrooms and the level of hygiene....something i really do appreciate)

03 the kitchen...which is free for us to use...(we didn't but well....at least we had a choice) - breakfast was ready right on time....with the same friendly face, ready for any task ahead...

04 the common space 02 - nice keyboard and musical instruments.....free for us to experiment on (we were too tired to do so...)

06 one satisfied customer:)

We left the next day with big smiles plastered on our faces.....so I felt i should recommend this to whoever is reading...http://www.bedandbreakfasttorino.com/IT/

(I am not paid for it...hahah...in case you are wondering)

Then, we started our roadtrip in the direction of Monaco....well....hot, and really really hot weather made us all very cranky and distressed sometimes......but I really did loved the little French cities we stopped by for lunch and walks......

We got so tired...and frustated also because we still haven't found a place to stay, as we took the trip more likely on impulse...the original plan was to stick to towns around Torino....but the seaside did have it's normal effect on most people..so by following our hearts, i guess we were pretty....homeless.....and tired,we decided it was too expensive to stay in the 'luxurious' Monaco....so we settled for the nearest town....a small French town, called Menton...I guess the people at the tourism office could smell the desperation and we eagerly wagged our tails when the girl at the counter made the reservations to a place called Villa Capucine (sounds fancy, huh?) ....well...how bad could it be? It was midrange, not the cheapest....and seemed to come highly recommended... In the brochure - it says private villa / hotel - 2 stars, with swimming pool and seaview, individual bathroom, breakfast included. hmmm....and the photo on the brochure showed the excellent seaview...of course - it was looking outwards....and we were to tired to even realise that it doesn't say AIR CONDITIONED (being Malaysians, I am guilty of always taking for granted that....certain things are MUSTs in hotels)...

Voila...we got lost...and when we finally found it, we saw that to get to the 'VILLA' we had to climb narrow, steep steps uphill...hmm...the address was number 129, and we began at number 1....hmmm...the consolation was...it's odd numbers only...woohoo! We were sweating like pigs, with our luggages, out of breath...cursing the 31 degrees.....and were so relieved to finally get there.....only to find out that there was a shorter way from the higher part of the hill that was a short cut, directly to the villa...

All that aside...we were greeted warmly by a lovely playful dog, Athena..... and of course, the owner, a French lady....was all apologetic, for the room was not ready...so we gladly sad down at the terrace with the promised seaview, and played with the tireless dog...as the owner rushed around, getting everything ready...

To be honest...I was at fault to be expecting a lot, for I know that the standards of hotels / b&b are different in both countries....but really couldn't conceal my disappointment when i saw the room....the smell was of stale sheets (that had been kept for centuries) - and she prepared the 3rd bed - in the coridor (where all occupants of the 3 rooms need to pass through to access to their rooms or to get to the bathroom). We were travelling in 3, so of course the only guy had to take the doomed bed there.....What actually made me both amazed and a lil angry was that she (the owner - which I regretably forgot her name) was really proud of the makeshift space - for 'it's her granddaughter's bed - which she wanted it to be like a ship)

I don't really wanna sound like a spoilt brat, but...seriously, when i saw our ' private bathroom', I was speechless...It was again a makeshift space (I don't know how it was done), but it was a WC fitted into the storeroom - with no ventilation, no washbasin, just a 80cm x 100cm space - amidst junks, old mattresses etc.

The room - to be honest - had a great view to the ocean...but the other wall.....was actually opennable windows to the shared bathroom (where there are the bidet, shower stall, bathtub and washbasin - without wc) - hmmm..how do we do this.....we use the WC in the store, and then run to the shared bathroom which is accessible from the coridor to use the bidet?)....

07 the promised view ....it really was breathtaking...

08 my room.....i made the mess...of course...too freaking hot, we had to choose - windows open - huge mosquitoes, windows closed - suffocation....of course we chosed to suffocate:)

09 our cute little WC - doesn't it feel like bootcamp?

10 the ship

Well...I was actually ok with all these until she told us a different price from what was shown in the brochure and confirmed at the tourism office.....we were not only paying for more than the B&B in Torino, we were paying more than the price of Best Western Hotel in the same town....and her so called-bad-english indicated that the price is final, you have to take it, since we already took a shower, and settled in...I really don't mind the place, if there was enough honesty.... to have the guts to call this a 2 star hotel - to have the decency to blame it all on the mistake of the tourism office...and then pretending not to comprehend english....that kindda made me go nuts....to think of it, it was pretty funny that we were actually contemplating to run away in the wee hours...we didn't had the hearts to do it...of course probably she is the kind of person that wakes up at 4am:)

We left after a homemade breakfast (one that was mediocre but was pretty decent - we could see that she was not the homemaker kind of lady) - she was really amazing, I have to admit, she cycled around the world in 26 months, and she shared all kindda tough-crazy experiences....but that aside, doesn't mean that she can just have the right to con us, does she?

hmmm.....in the end...all turned out well...was a memorable short trip.....but if you guys were ever at that place, do think twice before jumping into the pool (which was small - but was great on such a hot summer evening) - just try to ignore the dirty cloudy water....and the overdosage of chlorine....all will be fine:) - p.s. I still love to listen to French language....

will post more photos of the trip

-monaco-

2009-07-18T03:19:00.000-07:00

date taken : july 2009
location : monaco

A short day trip to Monaco, which i had high expectations at first, for it is always in my mind that it would somehow be the Palm Beach or Las Vegas of Europe....minus the flamboyance and extravagance.... however....it was definitely a letdown....a small city, so dense yet so lack of spirit....

Of course, the high amount of ports, luxury yachts ....posh cars.... also the continuous flow of helicopters transporting high profile people are overwhelming....however, the city itself doesn't reflect that at all.....it's a city stuck in the 70's... architecture is strictly LeCorbusier's machine metaphor....take no offense...i love LeCorb, but the city is really lack of maintenance......so contradicting with its high class profile.

well.....it's getting really late...to be continued...

-there i go again-

2009-07-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

date taken : july 2009
location : gorbia

Here I am, back from a short trip, getting a little sunburnt...there is this torn inside, continuing to poke, taunt me, hurting, little by little....what am i doing here? I wish i could be more ignorant, to be able to just look past the acts of people around me....but what is worse is my weakness to stand up for myself....hurting myself even more, because i allowed myself to be stomped over again and again....

Friends, family and loved ones.....all seemed so far now....and it feels like being in a new place, it is impossible to find even one who could love and share relentlessly....maybe it is too much to ask....too ideal to even imagine it.....I am tired, really tired of the sense of betrayal....really tired of the scent of fakeness...i just want to go home, to where people who knew me all my life, will still care for me, for who i am.....and not for what they can get from me...

Please teach me, how i can stop being this fool....this fool who smiles and laughes even though she is dying inside....this fool who accepts deals that she knows is not to her best benefits....this fool who continues to treat others with decency, even though she feels like ripping their hearts.....what is happening to me?

me, and nobody else

2009-07-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

date taken: december 2008

i miss the snow....i miss the calmness....the pureness that screams....IT'S ok to be alone! well....most of all i miss it because IT IS FREAKING HOT now!

-storefronts-

2009-07-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

date taken : nov 2007
location : Madrid

Today i wanna puke at the fake smiles....all the pathetic empty words, what difference do they make? just like the storefront displays, void, expressionless...and meaningless.....well, at least mannequins were dressed up in style. Not like a slut, wrapped up in fake jewelries, screaming fashion wannabe......God, please forgive me, i am typing in rage.....so excuse my manners....

betrayal...of all sorts....the kind i hate most...when friends do it to you....drive me nuts.....but why do i never learn? always falling in the same trap...ignoring all signs of warnings...just diving in, with the belief that friends should watch each others' back...

sigh...i can't let one bad seed pollute me, but then...how about many many many? well....some people are just too in love with themselves to even know how to care.....it's all just an act.....the warm words of consolation, the supportive remarks.....nothing but an act.....

-same world, another time, another you, another me-

2009-07-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

date taken : july 2009

how great is photoshop? transforming time and place..... my first attempt on heavier post processing work.....and then....got carried away....back in time....from the same photo, cropped and sent back to another time.....

date edited : july 2009

-love (repost)-

2009-07-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

date taken : may 2009
by: me

a repost - love conquers all-

-another one bites the dust-

2009-07-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

taken: 11 july 2009
model: Valeria

-and there she goes again-

the journey

2009-07-11T08:56:00.001-07:00

date taken: july 2009
location: Valmadrera, Italy

the journey ends here,
or is it the beginning?

today i felt a sudden rush of emotions as i stood by the photo assignment of a sweet couple....catholic weddings, which were thought by most people to be too extravagant, in its galore of ceremonies, costumes and rituals. For me however i felt that it was a testament of faith, a new faith, a journey together.....

well....always loved weddings but i must admit that as an Asian girl, even though far away from home, i do face the usual (mid - late 20's blues)...sigh...we are expected to go with the flow, and girls of my age usually are fidgety about marriage (or more likely to the need to be married at the normal age). Here in Italy, what is considered young, is not what it is for us back home....i guess by now most single friends back home are already getting really worried - somehow i sometimes felt that, the worry - is more about the fear of being left out and labeled a black sheep more than the fear of not finding true love (if that exists)..

i couldn't help but wonder (borrowed the infamous phrase of Carrie Bradshaw)...under it all, what does marriage means?

Asian weddings - are of a completely different world in respect of the wedding i attended today...it is somehow depressing to see the meaning of the sacred bonding of 2 people who want to spend their lives together are turned into a 'show', a spectacular gimmick of what marriage is seen as.....in the modern society....

i have seen Chinese / Malay / Indian couples who spent they whole lifesavings to have beautiful albums of wedding photos, in all kind of costumes (you name it)...and then, splurging another big sum for extravagant dinners of 500 guests (minimum)..in large 5 star hotels....and putting on a show for the guests.....what exactly are we trying to justify?

i can understand exactly the feeling of wanting to share.....(if i ever get married) of course i would love to have all my loved ones and friends with me, but that doesn't mean i have to be broke afterwards..

i guess that was why i was overwhelmed by the wedding today...somehow what mattered was the 2 deeply committed people, and the willingness to stand tall to testify their decision.....and then having a good time with loved ones....afterall, it's all that matters, isn't it?

however....many in the end...(if i do get married)....maybe i will unconsciously succumb to it all...who knows?

-standing alone-

2009-07-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

date taken : may 2009
location : tuscany